Help me... Help YOU!

Happy Labor Day all! Hope that laboring is not a part of the day.

OK... riddle me this Batman...

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with "helping people". The main reason of my frustration is that my "help" is not help. It is "do it for me" and moreover, "do it for me" [so when something goes wrong I have someone to blame]."

A perfect example of this is this past weekends events, where I had work with two clients both of which had questions, and followed with little client side assistance, and mostly criticism.

First of which, was the typical "how do I this?" situation. Please explain to me how I was to do ANYTHING;

1. You and I are NOWHERE near our offices.
2. You do not know what you did to screw it up in the first place.
3. Your employees are giving contradicting scenarios of what "actually happened".
4. There is nothing you can present to me at this time to look at.

The most frustrating thing is being repeatedly asked "how do I do this?", AND - EXPECTING - A - FULLY - CORRECT - AND - COMPREHENSIVE - ANSWER.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results." - Albert Einstein.

Asking me again and again - will not prompt a different response. I am not insane.

With my response of "I would have to look into the details"... a response I think is more than fair...being presented with nothing.

...to receive attitude, because I cannot pull magic from my ass, and make your problem;
1. Note - YOUR PROBLEM.
2. That YOU cannot figure out.
3. That YOU cannot properly explain for me what led up to this.
4. That YOU nor I are physically anywhere near the project at the exact moment you requested an immediate answer.
5. YOU cannot remember ALL of the details.
6. I am supposed to GUESS what they are.

... make this problem go away.

The second of which was a simple one that I could answer, and offer a solution. However, there were a few more details I needed, so that I could give a definite answer, on the spot. After hearing the details, I gave them a few extra steps that they had to do, and their problem would be gone. Here comes the attitude again...

1. Why did they have to do the extra steps?
2. Why did THEY have to do the extra steps? [apparently I should stop what I'm doing, cause they fucked up.]
3. Why is it taking them so long to do?
4. They are having issues doing it, because THEY are in the middle of other things.

- So, I do it -

5. Why is it taking ME so long to do?

After getting my end done, it winds up that it is not resolved anyway, because, in the end, my advice went in one ear, and out the other. I will get the same call again in the morning.

For future notice of anyone who reads this blog, if you ask me for my assistance, [which involves me putting forth time and effort to help you], and you;

give me nothing to work with;
give me attitude;
make it my problem;
state it is my fault;
put forth ZERO effort on your part;
put forth ZERO effort into my suggested solution; and

when I finally give in - say "fuck it" and do it FOR YOUR sorry ass - you complain about how it's being done;


I can honestly and wholeheartedly inform you in advance - GO FUCK YOURSELF. Fuck you, Fuck your problem, and kiss my ass you ignorant, lazy, stupid piece of shit.

If you want someone to do it FOR YOU - don't ask me to HELP YOU. You can HIRE me to do it.

Helping (in this situation) implies asking "how do I do it?" - I tell you - You go do it.

You do not want my "help" - you want me to do it - to hire me, just not pay me. Hell - I might even do it for free, if you were just straight with me from the beginning.


I can sum this up with a sign from my office:

HOURLY RATES
$50.00 per hour
$75.00 per hour, If you watch.
$100.00 per hour, If you help.
$150.00 per hour, If you tried to do it first and couldn't.

Don't get pissy - because I know how to do it - and YOU DON'T.
Don't be a whiny bitch - when I ask you to HELP YOURSELF.
Don't give me shit - cause you couldn't do it (and I can).
Don't make me waste my time finding a solution - you have NO intention of implementing.
Don't make me waste my time explaining the process - you cannot understand (If you could, you wouldn't need me at all.). - and you are not listening either, because you know you cannot understand it.

"THE PUZZLE"
If you don't like the picture on the box - don't buy it - I can't change the picture inside.
Don't expect me to do the puzzle - if you left the box and all the pieces at home.
If I tell you there are pieces missing - I am not to blame for them being missing - and I am not responsible for finding them either.
Don't give me only half of the puzzle pieces - and expect a full picture.
If I help you to link the frame - the edges better be straight, and the corners, a corner piece.
Don't expect me to make the puzzle pieces - you have lost.
If we work on the puzzle together - you have to be present at the table.
Don't expect me to force puzzle pieces where they don't fit.
If you force a piece and break it - I'll always only see the broken piece.
Don't expect me to find puzzle pieces - you are intentionally hiding - because you do not like that part of the picture - and expect a complete frame.
If you "finished" the puzzle, and there are pieces missing - it is not finished.
Don't expect me to say that it is "finished" - when it's not.
If I finish the puzzle, and you drop it, it is not my fault.
Don't claim ownership to the completed puzzle, when you only bought the box.
If we finish the puzzle, then we can take pride in our efforts.


And finally - maybe someone will quote me one day...

"With the effort of a thousand men, and using all the emotion in my soul, I cannot draw a picture of beauty from your mind."
-Peter D. Somma

...The Brooklyn laymans version...

"even wit everyting I got, dere aint no fuckin' way I can scribble whazz in that fuckin' dome of yaws, ...you fuckin' moron... Oh yeah - your "beauty" - sheez a whoo-a, her muddas a whoo-a, and her faddas a prick - da rat bastad sunnovabitch."
-Petey