File this under... OH NO here he goes again...

Let me start by saying first off - I am NOT against going green, I am NOT against saving trees, and I am NOT against increasing productivity and time. With that said, lets review this brand new service...

It's called Zumbox. You can find it here:

http://beta.zumbox.com/home

The premise of this service is - that we can save money, time, trees, etc. by sending all of our "regular" US Postal mail by computer. In their "ingenious" business plan - since everyone (presumably) has a mailing address, and not everyone has an email address - they will accept your mail for you. All someone needs is your physical mailing address. They send it to the Zumbox server, to your mailing address. Then you can log on - and check your mail. That is the stuff that usually comes in your physical mailbox.

A quote from their homepage:

"If all U.S. households received and paid their bills electronically, the country would save 16.5 million trees annually. That’s the amount of the lumber needed for 216,054 single-family homes."

This may be a true statement... however...

Where the fuck do I start shooting holes in this stupid idea?

Idea: everyone has a mailing address, but does not have an email address.
Granted this is true - but think about it for a minute...

In this day and age, if they do not have an email address - odds are - THEY DO NOT HAVE A COMPUTER. So how are they going to get their mail? Go to the local library and use a public computer? Well that is much more convienient than going to your front door. Also, I would love to drop into the local Kinko's, paying by the minute to get copies of all of my bank statements, credit cards bills, etc. – one nice little cache pull by any employee with half a brain - could wipe me out in less than an hour. That’s secure.

Speaking of secure – my mail is sent to Zumbox, and it sits on their server… They want everyone to get their bills and statements sent to Zumbox… How long do you think it will take before the hacking community figures out that getting into one server is a goldmine? It makes them a huge target - I hope their biggest expenditure is SECURITY.

Idea: a convienient way to get mail and help the environment.

How is this convenient? It is basically ANOTHER email address I have to check. Someone sends me something – in my Zumbox. I have to GO TO THEIR SITE to get it. Also, anyone you send something to must have an account. So I can send them something, but then I have to follow up with a phone call, or A LETTER or AN EMAIL – to tell them that they have mail in their Zumbox.

Idea: you do not have to track email addresses, you just use the mailing address you already have on file.

Well, I for one WANT to track email addresses. Let me ask you what is easier to keep track of? Joe Schmoe, 123 anywhere drive, apartment 15, anywhere, XX 12345 – OR – Jschmoe@email.com? What is faster to type? What is easier to remember? I for one, know my major clients email addresses off the top of my head – their mailing address…. I have to look up. Now granted, I am not a huge corporation with thousands of clients. So ask the lowest level customer service representative for any company: Would you rather type or verify a mailing address - or an email address? I bet the shorter one wins.

Idea: get everyone to go paperless.

Quote from their site “Helping our environment, by transitioning to a paperless postal system.”

Directly below this line on this page:

“What Are the Best Ways to Tell my Recipients?”

“Place a Zumbox tag-line or logo on your invoices, statements, and other documents.” You know the items you already send them BY MAIL OR EMAIL.

“Place a Zumbox tag-line or logo on your envelopes.” Umm.. those things you mail stuff in?

“Send a letter, via the U.S. Postal Service, announcing the new paperless mail option to your mail recipients.” So MAIL A LETTER telling them they have the option to NOT GET A LETTER?

The long and short of it…

If a company does business with me on a regular basis – I am more than happy to provide them with my email address, just ask. If a company does not have my email address, it’s because I don’t want them to have it! If I do not want their email – I don’t want regular mail from them either! Every single one of my statements come digitally now anyway.

Let me clue this company in on something. Their idea has already been done – IT’S CALLED EMAIL!

So this is a method for someone to get me information who: 1. Cannot call me, 2. Does not have my email address, 3. Only has a physical mailing address, to send me their information… This too already has a name – it’s JUNK MAIL.

There is one thing I think this compnay is good for… I think that all companies who do not have a DIRECT relationship with an individual – should be FORCED to send their mail through this method. It will save a million trees with Bullshit Credit Card offers, life insurance, or magazine subscriptions to MY SINGLE ADDRESS ALONE!. I think any company that is sending UNSOLICITED mail – should be MANDATED to send it through this service. And heavily fined for violations of the mandate. I’ll intro it as the Mailing Environment Saving Statute Assesed Tariff - United States Postal Service (the MESS AT USPS). Save the trees, or pay extra for it! The government needs money – here’s a way to get it.

I keep my fireplace going all winter on just junkmail (ask anyone who knows me, I have not burned more than 5 pieces of wood in my fireplace in over a year…I have a fire going twice a week in the winter).

I think the best thing about this site is the signup… I figured ‘what the hell’ – let’s see if anyone “mailed” me anything. On the page you enter your name and address – then you simply check that agree to the terms of the service, and that you are who you say you are at the address you say… there is nothing else here. (I’m thinking wow, that’s secure). Well I get to the next page and they do have a very secure method of verifying you are who you say you are, at the address you say you’re at….

THEY MAIL YOU A PIN NUMBER THROUGH THE US POSTAL SERVICE.

With the recent economy crisis, people are wondering "how bad is it - reeeally?" Well seeing NYC first hand, I can say that the view out of my window (directly over Wall Street), is not pretty. Walking the streets -it's eerie... People every where - traffic is nuts... But it is QUIET. Too quiet for the "financial capital of the world".

But this story is not about Wall Street - it's about Main Street. Well, Main Street in the South Bronx.

I have business up there, and as my better half has seen firsthand, this area is not the financial capital - well, of anywhere.

I had parked my car on my usual side street in the South Bronx, just a block or so away from the intersection of East Tremont Avenue and Arthur Avenue. I get out of my car, and start walking around to my trunk. A friendly "hello" comes over my left shoulder...

I whip my head around to the left, and now a second hello is from my right. OK - I'm a sucker, who's screwin' with me.

It's some girl, I don't know her - just ignore her - she'll keep walking...

She says "May I speak to you for a minute mister?"

"OK - about what?" I half heartedly respond. Now mind you this is NOT the "best area" in the world. In my head - as I'm speaking to her - my eyes are scanning the block. This has GOT to be a setup. She's gonna chat me up and distract my attention... I'm getting jumped any second... This woman is NOT here looking for a new friend - or for polite conversation. But nobody is there. It's just us...

"I don't mean to bother you, but can you spare some change? I have to go to the store, and get milk for my baby...I'm a little short..."

Leaning into the trunk of my car, I say "I'm sorry darlin, I can't do that for you, not today". I aint feeding any junkies habit.

"I'm not askin for much, just anything you can spare - I HAAVE to get milk for my baby."

Okay, so now - I'm really paying attention to her. I'm not looking in my trunk (for my tire iron) and talking to her from the depths of my trunk (Worst case - Fort apache style, I hop into the trunk and pull it shut - pray I don't get shot thru the trunk lid).

There she is - an early twenties latina woman. Her baseball cap color perfectly matching her shirt color, faded jeans, and a pair of "kicks" (OK showing my age here). A fine looking young woman. She's standing on the curb. Her hands are clasped in front of her at her waist, looking right at me. "A little hottie" by most standards. She's not a junkie, she's not homeless, she's... she's actually a little scared of ME (I think)...

Now that I feel a little more at ease with the situation - I tell her again... "I'm sorry darlin' I can't do that.. I only got seven bucks on me, and the day is just starting."

"okay" and she takes a half step back and stops. She looks down at her feet, takes a quick breath, snaps a quick look up and locks me dead in the eyes...

"umm... and what would I have to do... for you to give me that seven dollars?"

I am stunned.

If the sentence alone, by itself, does not give you a hint as to what she MEANT by that statement, I can assure you that - seeing her eyes glass over - as she questioned not only me, but herself... what would SHE have to do to get those seven dollars...

I said "OK, lets go..." So we started walking, chatted about her kid, that he baby is hungry - I'm up there workin and don't have alot of time - she's just doin what she's gotta do, to get what her kid needs....her accent is thick - a little sexy too. We walk past a laundrymat - to our destination...

We get to the corner, and there is the building. An old front door, some spanish music playing on a radio from inside. The door is slightly open. Being the gentleman that I am, I hold the door open and let her walk inside... I follow her in.

She looks at me - not sure of what I'm going to do. I smile and walk to the back... I know what I'm doing here... I'm going to get some real gratification from this... I've been waiting a long, long time to feel human again - and this woman was going to let me do it - to her - for me...














...when I return from the back of the store... I have a quart of milk in my hand. I pay the two bucks - and leave the change on the counter. I slip a five under the quart, and begin to walk out...

She says "thank you mister..."

We exchanged one last glance - that one that says everything:

Thank you - you're welcome
take care - be well
...if I could... - ...you know you can't...
I'm sorry - I'm sorry

"I gotta get this paperwork filed before my boss kicks my ass... You take care of that kid..."

"...I will... you KNOW - I - will..."




For someone I only met for a minute or two... I know .... SHE WILL.

Help me... Help YOU!

Happy Labor Day all! Hope that laboring is not a part of the day.

OK... riddle me this Batman...

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with "helping people". The main reason of my frustration is that my "help" is not help. It is "do it for me" and moreover, "do it for me" [so when something goes wrong I have someone to blame]."

A perfect example of this is this past weekends events, where I had work with two clients both of which had questions, and followed with little client side assistance, and mostly criticism.

First of which, was the typical "how do I this?" situation. Please explain to me how I was to do ANYTHING;

1. You and I are NOWHERE near our offices.
2. You do not know what you did to screw it up in the first place.
3. Your employees are giving contradicting scenarios of what "actually happened".
4. There is nothing you can present to me at this time to look at.

The most frustrating thing is being repeatedly asked "how do I do this?", AND - EXPECTING - A - FULLY - CORRECT - AND - COMPREHENSIVE - ANSWER.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results." - Albert Einstein.

Asking me again and again - will not prompt a different response. I am not insane.

With my response of "I would have to look into the details"... a response I think is more than fair...being presented with nothing.

...to receive attitude, because I cannot pull magic from my ass, and make your problem;
1. Note - YOUR PROBLEM.
2. That YOU cannot figure out.
3. That YOU cannot properly explain for me what led up to this.
4. That YOU nor I are physically anywhere near the project at the exact moment you requested an immediate answer.
5. YOU cannot remember ALL of the details.
6. I am supposed to GUESS what they are.

... make this problem go away.

The second of which was a simple one that I could answer, and offer a solution. However, there were a few more details I needed, so that I could give a definite answer, on the spot. After hearing the details, I gave them a few extra steps that they had to do, and their problem would be gone. Here comes the attitude again...

1. Why did they have to do the extra steps?
2. Why did THEY have to do the extra steps? [apparently I should stop what I'm doing, cause they fucked up.]
3. Why is it taking them so long to do?
4. They are having issues doing it, because THEY are in the middle of other things.

- So, I do it -

5. Why is it taking ME so long to do?

After getting my end done, it winds up that it is not resolved anyway, because, in the end, my advice went in one ear, and out the other. I will get the same call again in the morning.

For future notice of anyone who reads this blog, if you ask me for my assistance, [which involves me putting forth time and effort to help you], and you;

give me nothing to work with;
give me attitude;
make it my problem;
state it is my fault;
put forth ZERO effort on your part;
put forth ZERO effort into my suggested solution; and

when I finally give in - say "fuck it" and do it FOR YOUR sorry ass - you complain about how it's being done;


I can honestly and wholeheartedly inform you in advance - GO FUCK YOURSELF. Fuck you, Fuck your problem, and kiss my ass you ignorant, lazy, stupid piece of shit.

If you want someone to do it FOR YOU - don't ask me to HELP YOU. You can HIRE me to do it.

Helping (in this situation) implies asking "how do I do it?" - I tell you - You go do it.

You do not want my "help" - you want me to do it - to hire me, just not pay me. Hell - I might even do it for free, if you were just straight with me from the beginning.


I can sum this up with a sign from my office:

HOURLY RATES
$50.00 per hour
$75.00 per hour, If you watch.
$100.00 per hour, If you help.
$150.00 per hour, If you tried to do it first and couldn't.

Don't get pissy - because I know how to do it - and YOU DON'T.
Don't be a whiny bitch - when I ask you to HELP YOURSELF.
Don't give me shit - cause you couldn't do it (and I can).
Don't make me waste my time finding a solution - you have NO intention of implementing.
Don't make me waste my time explaining the process - you cannot understand (If you could, you wouldn't need me at all.). - and you are not listening either, because you know you cannot understand it.

"THE PUZZLE"
If you don't like the picture on the box - don't buy it - I can't change the picture inside.
Don't expect me to do the puzzle - if you left the box and all the pieces at home.
If I tell you there are pieces missing - I am not to blame for them being missing - and I am not responsible for finding them either.
Don't give me only half of the puzzle pieces - and expect a full picture.
If I help you to link the frame - the edges better be straight, and the corners, a corner piece.
Don't expect me to make the puzzle pieces - you have lost.
If we work on the puzzle together - you have to be present at the table.
Don't expect me to force puzzle pieces where they don't fit.
If you force a piece and break it - I'll always only see the broken piece.
Don't expect me to find puzzle pieces - you are intentionally hiding - because you do not like that part of the picture - and expect a complete frame.
If you "finished" the puzzle, and there are pieces missing - it is not finished.
Don't expect me to say that it is "finished" - when it's not.
If I finish the puzzle, and you drop it, it is not my fault.
Don't claim ownership to the completed puzzle, when you only bought the box.
If we finish the puzzle, then we can take pride in our efforts.


And finally - maybe someone will quote me one day...

"With the effort of a thousand men, and using all the emotion in my soul, I cannot draw a picture of beauty from your mind."
-Peter D. Somma

...The Brooklyn laymans version...

"even wit everyting I got, dere aint no fuckin' way I can scribble whazz in that fuckin' dome of yaws, ...you fuckin' moron... Oh yeah - your "beauty" - sheez a whoo-a, her muddas a whoo-a, and her faddas a prick - da rat bastad sunnovabitch."
-Petey

On my shitlist:

AT&T Callvantage - For taking my main business number, and making it completely inaccessible to anyone outside of the AT&T Network. Anyone calling from any company other than AT&T, gets a message "the number you have dialed in unallocated.", with no other reference.

Citimortgage - For forcing me to maintain an escrow account, at no interest, for the purpose of paying my property taxes, then they do not pay them. Penalties to me - to follow.

State Farm Insurance - For the Insurance policy on my property, who sends me nothing and calls me one week after my policy is cancelled - to see "how are you doing?"

Citibank - Who as a mortgage customer, offered me a credit card with a "generous credit line". I accepted. The account came with a $1,000 limit. I canceled the account, and thanked them for the ice scraper.

Microsoft Windows - My laptop recently bombed out. System restore did not work; Recovery console did not work; repair using the CD did not work... USING LINUX - to access the drive back up my data... That worked. Ubuntu permanently on my USB drive.

UPDATE:

FACEBOOK - for constantly asking me to install the quicktime plugin...every - single - time - the - page - changes - or - I - click - on - something.

SO...

Now it's facebook. The "next best thing" to myspace. I have been quite skeptical signing up for facebook. This is because of the constant blathering bullshit that came my way - on a minute by minute basis.

"I'm not in your top 8 friends" - "you didn't answer my bulletin on your favorite color" - TOM emailing me daily to tell me some sort of bullshit going on with my fellow (and by fellow - I mean Porn companies posing as women) myspace cohorts. Hell, I still get emails from them from time to time - my account was canceled years ago.

...and in my own naivete... I signed up with it all to my work email, which it completely overloaded to begin with...

So naturally - facebook was a no go. I wasn't jumping in with both feet so quickly, I'll let someone else be the bait this time. (thank you honey).

With that said - you can be quite sure that I have NOT used my "normal" email address for facebook. Actually, I have created one just for it. You are all on notice, don't send anything there, I will never check it. If you know me, you know how to get me... I'm actually going to experiment here... I have just created the address today. I am wondering how long it will take to get 1000 emails. Even with everything blocked, I'm guessing it will be filled with spam in under a week.

And now - we're back... It's been awhile since May 2007, and we're going to keep rants to a minimum. It is to a point that everyone has the same stories, so my putting them in a blog is useless.

All 4 now - we'll see what comes in down the line.